Disclaimer: this “Ask Annie” does not pass the Bechdel Test 🙂
I want to live my hot girl academic semester and hook up with people, but I’m worried that I will get mono. How should I approach this?
Health Conscious Hottie
Dear Health Conscious Hottie,
Ah, the burden of being a hot girl while maintaining a clean – or at least, mostly clean – bill of health. Over every sexual rendezvous looms a fear of an STI or another sexually associated sickness, especially if attempting to juggle multiple partners.
Still, health-conscious hotties deserve to have a sweet treat in the sheets – and no, I’m not talking about snacking on a Toblerone at 2 a.m. while you debate whether or not to put the bar back in the pantry or indulge in the next bite. With a little bit of strategizing, you can have your hot girl semester with less worry about catching an unwanted illness.
Start off your new hot-girl era by gathering safe sex supplies and testing yourself for an STI. A quick visit to CVS makes securing condoms a breeze, and the Student Health Center offers routine STI screenings. You can schedule an appointment on your My SHC Portal anytime necessary – almost as if GW designed their testing system for health-conscious hotties!
Now the fun part – gathering a lover(s). Look toward your friends, roommates or fellow members of your student orgs to either set you up with a person or act, themselves, as a hook-up prospect. Ideally, these candidates understand that prioritizing health in sexual relationships creates a more open, easygoing encounter, and they will care about your overall health. If you ask, they should willingly visit the Student Health Center with you before hooking up – or, better yet, offer to go once they hear your concerns. Avoid those who gawk at your reservations, as it signals they may engage in riskier relations with other partners.
If you’re especially concerned about getting mono, keep the party downstairs and avoid any smooches on the mouth altogether. As leading lady Viv from “Pretty Women” says, “No kissing. It’s too personal.” Not to mention, eliminating mouth-to-mouth swapping of saliva will add a mysterious, unforgettable je ne sais quoi about you. No one will ever forget a partner who kept their lips to themselves. Just make sure to still grab a condom to keep mono from sneaking in down below.
Throughout this journey, keep in mind that the concept of “hot girl” is a mindset. Hooking up is not a necessity to living your hot girl academic semester, but it is a perk of the job. For those looking to take a plethora of lovers, hooking up with the right people gives health-conscious hotties’ lips a soft, reliable place to land. With proper precautions in the name of sexual health, there is no reason to eschew your urge to ask the right person to “voulez-vous.”
Stay healthy and hot,
This article appeared in the January 26, 2022 issue of the Hatchet.